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e-book The Control Freaks Guide to Managing Lifes Uncertainty

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The Narcissist: Narcissists are self-serving to a fault. They are usually exceptionally charming and will use that charm to get their way, while treating you with very little respect. When a Narcissist falls in love with you, it is like a dream, because narcissists will love you for making them so happy -- but it has little staying power. To narcissists, your history together does not really exist, particularly when they regress. If you have disappointed a Narcissist or if he or she simply has lost interest in the marriage, whatever love you had will not help make the divorce easier.

And if you have crossed the Narcissist, he or she may make you pay with vitriol like you could never have imagined. You don't count anymore. This may really hurt, but when confronted with a narcissistic ex it is important to understand the person that you are dealing with. What You Can Do : Accept that the Narcissist may never really have loved you in a realistic way: If you accept this as a tragic truth, you can work through the hurt and anger.

Understand that the Narcissist wants to win because she feels wronged : You are dealing with a person who feels completely at home exploiting you and the kids.

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Know that Narcissists can look great in public: They are able to present a compelling public persona to your friends and family while treating you with calculated coldness. Stay calm: Blowups in front of the kids or with the Narcissist in public will come back to haunt you. People with this character trap have a remarkable ability to make themselves look smooth while making you look foolish.

The Avenger: Any of the above, when taken to an extreme, can result in The Avenger.

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It's normal to want revenge when you have been hurt, but for The Avenger, this urge is overwhelming. Your ex will not be satisfied unless you have been put in your place. He or she holds an extremely distorted view of you and your divorce. Avengers may honestly think that if they can't have the kids, you shouldn't either, or worse yet -- if The Avenger can't have the kids, nobody should.

Avengers' self righteousness is palpable, and violence can lie just below the surface. At its worst, Avengers are hell bent on inflicting revenge even if they or the children suffer as a consequence. Tragically for everyone, they simply can't stand seeing you happy and moving on in a normal way. Most avengers move towards violence when they are in the process of losing control over the divorce, money or the children. Plan ahead: Have a concrete plan if feel you are in danger. Make use of abuse hotlines and get to know the local police and the legal system.

Orders of protection can help, but they are often violated. Establish safe boundaries: If drop offs at your house or apartment are too dangerous, then have them take place in neutral spots or under supervision.

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Know under what circumstances you are safe to talk to him. Therapy can help: You may feel safer than you really are. If you're not perfect, you're dead. Get with the program. I find that the best way to deal with my anxiety is to tell myself that I do not know what is going to happen.

That makes me feel better. As long as I see the future as full of possibilities, I feel better. My anxiety stems from a fear that things will 'certainly' be bad unless I do very, very well. I eventually worked out that my anxiety is the result of an underlying dysthymia. I feel empty and am anxious to escape the emptiness, and tend to believe it is up to me to 'make something of my life'. Taking away the responsibility and believing that good things can happen without me making them happen - or that emotions go away without me fixing them - and that I do not have the weight of responsibility that I feel I do, makes me feel better.

Seeing the world as uncertain may make me feel better, but seeing myself as uncertain makes me feel worse. I can put every anxiety I have ever had down to an underlying sense of shame. I am anxious there is something wrong with me, essentially, or that I am undeserving, and I am anxious of losing control of myself. Not having control of the world is no problem whatsoever, but I wish to have control over myself.

Perhaps my anxiety is closer in temperament to OCD in that way. When I was a child I went through a phase of being afraid to sleep. The fear came after I had the thought that when I am not conscious, I am not as much in control of myself.

I had a very strong fear of being uninhibited when I was a child. What a helpful way to put things. Often I think that the anxiety of the future arises from just not knowing, and hoping to control, as the article states. But what's ironic is that there is not a logical step by step process that fuels the anxiety. I liked how, in this article, the author broke it down step by step to help conceptualize why we don't like uncertainty as well as the flawed thinking that anxiety stems from. Interesting to try to capture anxiety at its source. Thanks for your perspective and breaking it down.

It is working toward a balance and realizing and accepting the uncertainty with courage, I agree with, are the ways to freedom. I am going to live with courage today! The executive mind is constantly dealing with the products of its immature past.

To the person with a high need for control, the fact that they cannot control their own mind is the biggest source of fear of all. The only possible way to reprogram ourselves is to challenge old thought patterns. This is extremely hard work and requires persistence, faith and mindfulness. Not for the faint-hearted and not guaranteed to succeed, especially if the new thought patterns prove to be dysfunctional. We need to use our intuition to guide us every step of the way, but using intuition is a seriously difficult skill to acquire in itself. Elliot D.

Why sexual anxiety may be due to perfectionism, and what you can do about it. Some problems people have may be helped by consulting a professional philosopher. The irrationality of "must" and "should" in making perfectionistic demands. Back Psychology Today. Back Find a Therapist. Back Get Help. Back Magazine. Subscribe Issue Archive. Back Today. When Should You Share a Secret?

What Is Catastrophizing? Cohen Ph. Connect with me on LinkedIn. The Fear of Losing Control What's behind this fear and how you can overcome it. So to overcome you fear of losing control, you can, push yourself to act on the evidence, without demanding certainty, or in spite of your fear of the uncertainty; make a habit of this-not always and perfectly, but for the most part; resign yourself to live by probabilities, not by guarantees.

These things really are in your control! Jesus said that by Submitted by downtown dave on May 22, - pm. Thanks Submitted by Anonymous on May 23, - pm.

The Ex Who Wants to Hurt You

If you aren't certain, you're dead Submitted by Anonymous on October 4, - am. Control is typically a reaction to the fear of losing control. People who struggle with the need to be in control often fear being at the mercy of others, and this fear may stem from traumatic events that left them feeling helpless and vulnerable. As a result, they many crave control in disproportionate and unhealthy ways. The experience of abuse or neglect, for example, can make people look for ways to regain control of their lives, and sometimes victims lash out at other people in their lives.

The need for control drives people to turn to the external world in order to find things they can control.

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They may be compelled to micromanage and orchestrate the actions and behaviors of others, or maintain rigid rules regarding routine, diet, or cleanliness and order. For instance, people who are physically or psychologically abusive inflict pain on loved ones in the form of ridicule, isolation, restrictions, or physical or sexual assault, because they themselves are in pain, though this pain is often deeply buried and unacknowledged.

There are myriad ways in which people might attempt to control their environment, themselves, or others. People exert power over others in intimate relationships, workplace settings, families, and other social groups. Someone who struggles with a need for control may experience shame , anxiety, stress, depression , and a host of other mental health concerns.

Addressing control issues in therapy involves unraveling the source of the need for control.

Control Freaks & Abusive Men